When you’ve had a baby and you’re barely home from the hospital, settling into your new life as a parent, adjusting to the frequent feeds, the no sleep and living almost entirely on love and wonder, it already it begins.
The overly personal question of “So when are you gonna have number two?”
The answer for me was a very firm NEVER!
I struggled throughout my pregnancy with severe pain due to a pre existing injury, exhaustion that lead to leaving work very early and morning sickness and awful acid reflux from 8 weeks and was vomiting even during my c-section. My labour experience was one I can’t look back on fondly. I was ignored, bullied and coerced and still, nearly 2 years on don’t ever want to go through all that again.
But, hormones…. and the most awesome kid on earth (not biased at all, nope, not me!), and the fact that I absolutely love being a Mum, that this is my calling, and yeah, I’m willing to put aside all the bad, and suffer through another pregnancy while being a full time mum, and not being able to take a break from 24/7 care of a toddler to rest while growing another human.
Yup, I want another baby. And my husband is even cluckier than I am. We didn’t even make a year before we started trying again. There is this nagging feeling that our family is not yet complete, there is so much about a new born baby that I am not ready to leave in the past, as just happy memories yet.
We are not done.
And now we are approaching the second birthday, and still no luck. 13 months of trying (not solidly, as I have had to be on medication that I can’t take while TTC)
We already knew I had Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), just not the severity. Since I was very young I have suffered from crippling period pain, had excess body hair and really struggled with my weight and mood swings (great for the self esteem). By 14 I was on the pill to the manage the pain. By 20 the pain had eased off (or I am just so used to it now; it doesn’t hold me back any more) but the other symptoms really kicked in.
I got married at 23, and that was when the baby questions started, because you only get married these days if you are religious and/or planning kids, and neither was the case for me and Hubby. We started thinking about babies about a year and half after getting married and we only had to try for 3 months before conceiving and those 3 months I was heart broken every time I got a negative test.
How I wish for those days now.
My very irregular cycle makes predicting ovulation difficult at best, so now I can’t count the amount of negative tests that have filled me with disappointment. Each one a tiny stab in the heart, telling me I’m a failure as a woman, as a wife, and as a mother. I’m not one to dwell on yesterday, it’s happened, I’ll just get on with it. Until there is so much built up failure that it’s all I see now. I’ve come to the end of my hope rope (sorry for the silly term). I can’t take much more failure. As I teeter on the edge of depression I have to consider giving up the idea of having a second child.
I have to consider my mental state, what is all this disappointment doing to me? Nothing good.
And my actual health. I can’t take the PCOS medication my doctor prescribed while TTC, nor be on the pill to manage the weight and other symptoms, for obvious reasons.
So, as I toss up how many months (missed opportunities) it will take to go back on the medication to get my PCOS under control, to drop the weight (that wont stay off without the medication) I have to honestly call this cycle, my last chance for a while. For a long while, maybe even my very last.
I have had to realise our family actually is complete. We have a special little person already. I am lucky, luckier than many other families. Two would be awesome, but my life is already full, my heart wont be wanting. One IS enough.
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