I try to be nice. I try to be patient. I try to be calm. I try be understanding.
Most of the time.
But some days I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs for everyone to just leave me alone.
It’s a feeling in my chest, I feel like I’m going to explode and suffocate at the same time.
When someone touches me – even my precious children – it takes all my self control not to push them away and run screaming from the room.
But I flinch. I pull away. I tense my shoulders and I grit my teeth. Most of the time my children are oblivious and continue to throw their arms around my neck and shower me with kisses – while I’m torn between wanting to run and hide while also berating myself for not appreciating their affection.
Sometimes though they see my unwillingness and the shine goes out of their eyes and it breaks me heart for them that I can’t ALWAYS respond with unreserved glee when all the want is my love.
And of course I love them! And I love them all the time, no matter what they do, no matter how tired I am, no matter how many times they wake at night and high strung I am. Just sometimes I don’t want that love to be all over me all the time.
It IS a wonderful thing it is to be loved SO MUCH.
To be needed SO MUCH.
To be touched SO MUCH.
ALL THE TIME AND NEVER LEFT ALONE!
Perhaps this is a little bit of a 6 years of nearly continuous breastfeeding – and constant night waking – burnout. I’m just touched out.
And even when nobody is physically touching me everyone needs something from me. And only me. Apparently no one else can do the things I can do.
If I’m trying to have a nap my kids will walk passed their father, down to the bedroom, fling open the door and inform me they’re hungry, they need a piece of paper, or to gleefully announce “MUMMY I HAVE POO! CHANGE MY BUM!”
I just need a break.
I need a holiday.
And the crazy thing is if I actually was away from my family, I’d probably miss them all so much.
Do you ever feel like this? How do you shake it off, or deal with it?