People ask me all the time if we’re planning to have another baby, and I usually laugh at the thought – of course not. No. No no no. Absolutely not. I don’t want to go back there. Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding – all behind me. Thank goodness for that! We’re getting into the next phase of our life; which is great. Kids are in school. It’s wonderful.
I’ve done enough night-time parenting between my two non-sleeping babies to last a lifetime. I breastfed my children for eight years, almost continuously. Not to mention clocking up a full hundred hours of labour between just two children. Ugh. No.
Just no. I don’t want to do that again.
And the funny thing is I’m not even lying. I do actually feel all those things.
Why would I go back to nappies, leaking boobs, and soul crushing sleep deprivation?
Wondering “What if…?”
So why does my heart also ache when I think about the possibility of having another baby? I think about it nearly every day. “What if?” pops into my head and before I can stop myself I see another small person in my life. I idly wonder how it would work. Even really practical things like how would we fit another car seat in our car? Where would the baby sleep? Would we have a boy or a girl? What would we name them? Heck – I wonder what pram would I buy?!?!?
I imagine how amazing our kids would be with a baby. I can see them playing with their little sibling. The fantasy is so real I can feel it in my heart. I feel love for a baby that does not, nor ever will, exist.
Probably. Most likely not. But there’s still that maybe. It’s still a possibility.
It Takes Two
I’m willing to ignore all the reasons why having another baby is a bad idea. If it was entirely up to me, I’d have another baby in a heartbeat. But this isn’t just my decision to make. And I’m not at all blaming my partner – I’m not resentful. I understand why not, for all of the above reasons and more.
He doesn’t want another baby. And I don’t want a baby he doesn’t want. We have discussed what would happen if we conceived without planning to – and we would make it work. But we can’t plan to have another baby just because I want one. Which breaks my heart. But there’s nothing I can do to change it. I wouldn’t even want to try to convince him. It’s tempting. And part of me wonders if he knew just how much it hurt maybe he would. Just for me.
But we’d have to be both in, all in, or not at all.
So unless he changes his mind, unless he wants a baby just as badly as I do – then this is it. That’s all there is to it.
My Family Is Enough
I’m utterly grateful for the two beautiful, healthy, happy, amazing children that we have. And I am excited about this new phase of our life now that they’re both in school. I’m looking forward to watching them grow up. As heartbroken as I am whenever I think about this directly, I am happy. I’m happy with my family. I love my partner; I love him so much more than I do fantasy baby that doesn’t exist.
And maybe over time it won’t sting quite so much.