There’s something really scary about having sex during the day while the kids are awake. It’s like having sex in public, except we’re even more afraid of getting caught, because at least getting caught by strangers we know we’ll never see them again…
However, with children who never seem to sleep, and keeping different sleep schedules ourselves, it’s very difficult to coordinate having both the mood and opportunity at the same time. Sometimes it’s worth taking the risk.
We like to live dangerously like that. We’re like Ninjas. Sex Ninjas. We are the stealthiest love-makers.
We speak in code like:
“Should I shut the door?” is code for “How about some sexy time?”
And “I just set the kids up with a youtube playlist and snacks” means “We have about 15 minutes.”
We secure the perimeter. We shut the hallway door – this serves as an early warning alarm system. If that door is breached we have approximately 3 seconds before they’re at our bedroom door.
The bedroom door itself doesn’t have a lock, so we put the door stop in it as a desperate attempt to keep them out. It doesn’t hold for long, but it will delay them.
Then, we get down to business.
Our ninja talk includes “Shh, did you hear something?” and “We should hurry this up, we don’t have much time.”
When if we do hear a noise we both freeze, like meerkats.
Like sexy ninja meerkats.
When the kids do (inevitably) come looking for us, it’s like the opposite of those movie scenes where they grab nearest person of the opposite sex and say “Go along with it, I’ll explain later.” and kisses them passionately so they don’t get caught doing what ever it is they’re doing.
We pull apart and try to act like we’re just laying in bed… separately… for no reason at all…
And when the kids ask for something the answer is always “yes”. Always.
“Can I have crackers?” “Yes, go get crackers!”
“Can I have chocolate?” “Sure, it’s in the cupboard.”
“Can I have the car?” “The keys on the hook. Now go!” (Joking. Probably)
When/if we accomplish our mission we give each other a smile knowing our covert operation was a success and then venture out to investigate the damage done to the house by the kids in our absence.
And people think you can’t have romance once you have children. (Those people might actually be right... but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun!)