Pregnancy is lovely! You’re growing a tiny human inside you! You’re glowing with maternal love and joy! It’s all sunshine and roses and riding off into the sunset to the sound of 120 piece symphony orchestra.
Oh, wait no. That’s not at all how it works.
So I thought just for fun I’d share with you the highlights (low lights) of the best (most embarrassing, but humourous in retrospect) things that happened during my pregnancies.
You know what’s just the most fun about having constipation when you’re pregnant is you have limited options when it comes to how you can treat it. Unfortunately it’s really something to talk to your doctor or pharmacist about. Sorry.
Oh vomiting. I have absolutely without doubt fulfilled my vomiting quota to get me through a lifetime without ever vomiting ever again (unfortunately that’s really not how it works). The absolute funniest thing about vomiting was when I was on anti-nausea medication that did exactly that – it took away the nausea! Huzzah! It didn’t always stop the vomiting though. So without the nausea to warn me I had the glorious experience of thinking I needed to cough and instead vomiting into my hands. From then I learn to cough or clear my throat over a sink, toilet, or in desperate moments, pot plants.
It went like this *hmm, I feel a bit hot… and dizzy… I need to sit down… oh crap everything is getting dark and horizontal and I’m not sure which way is up anymore……………….. why am I on the floor and everyone is staring at me*.
When my partner and I had been living together for about a year, completely unprompted my partner turned to me and said “You never fart!?” His expression was puzzled and also amazed at this sudden realisation of my lack of gas…. let’s just say he no longer under any illusions about me being a non-farting magician. In the beginning it was bad enough that every time I farted – loudly – he’d laugh and ask “WHAT WAS THAT?!” in mock horror… it was worse as time went on when he didn’t even bat an eyelid.
Squeezing my legs together to sneeze
It’s funny how that automatic action doesn’t draw any attention from the uninitiated, but anyone who’s been there, and done that, knows EXACTLY what you’re doing and WHY. One time I sneezed while sitting cross legged on the couch – let’s just say that is not a mistake a person makes twice.
One time walking (waddling) to hospital for an appointment on a hot day I was sweating so badly that rivers of sweat were running into my eyes. Despite constantly wiping my forehead and eyes I couldn’t see… and it really stung! So. So Gross.
Bleeding after sex – and panicking about it
The actual bleeding wasn’t that embarrassing, because it happened a few hours after the event, but what was embarrassing was calling the hospital in a bit of a tizz and the midwife calmly asking had I had sex in the last 24 hours? Um… actually… yeah…. How did she know?!?
About things. About all the things. About things you shouldn’t cry about. Then crying because you’re so embarrassed that you’re crying about something you shouldn’t be crying about, which leads to crying because your crying about being embarrassed about crying. Then crying because there’s no way to explain that to someone who is now quite worried about you crying… because you’re crying…
One time at work I noticed a magnet had come off the fridge so I bent down and picked it up and put it back on the fridge… but it fell straight off. So I bent down and picked it up and stuck it back on the fridge… but it fell down again. So I bent down and picked up and stuck it back on the fridge AGAIN and it fell straight back down to the floor AGAIN and at that point a coworker who’d been watching me said “Hey, baby brain!” and that’s when I realised I was trying to stick the magnet to the cupboard next to the fridge.
Confusing gas with labour pains
Come on… surely I’m not the only one who has thought “Oh, what’s that…. it’s a cramp… it’s a radiating cramp…. it’s lasting about a minute… is this it!? Has labour started? Should I pack my bags?!” *BBRRRPPFFT* Nope. Nevermind. False alarm.
Everyone goes on and on about how you might poop while pushing out a baby and NOBODY tells you about hemorrhoids. You have to find that one out for yourself.
What was the most embarrassing thing that happened during your pregnancy?