Krystle’s PND Story
Before I begin the next part of my story, i want to clear up the misconception i had about PND. I thought mums who got PND hated motherhood, and hence became depressed. How wrong I was. I loved being a mum and I loved my son intensely. I just felt like I was the worst mother and I could not do it. Breastfeeding was hard. I had a very fast supply so my little boy would gag and choke and often only take the foremilk. He also had colic. He would squirm and call out in pain and would be extremely hard to settle. He also only slept for 90 minute periods, day and night. I got mastitis, i got gastroenteritis, and I was severely sleep deprived. Combine that with my recently developed hypochondroism, i became sure that there was something wrong with my baby and it was my fault. The anxiety intensified and intensified and I couldn’t sleep AT ALL and eating made me feel sick. This led to depression. The best way I can describe it is like being trapped on the other side of a glass panel, in the dark, watching the life you should be living.
I sought help, and was prescribed medication which I was ensured I could breastfeed on, but again the hypochondriac in me didn’t believe the doctors and I gave up breastfeeding. It was the hardest decision I have ever made.
There were many many dark days, and for 4 months I thought I would never get better, but each day I got up and did my best to show how much I loved my little boy. My husband went to work everyday no matter how much I begged him to stay home, and I did it. 4 months later I was feeling better, and my little boy and I are so closely bonded, and have an amazing connection.
Formula turned out not to be the poison i thought it to be, and my son has turned into a happy, healthy, amazing little man who has reached every milestone well ahead of time.
I am happy, I love my life, and I have learnt more in the last 8 months then the rest of my life.
I have learnt that mothering takes more, much more then giving birth naturally and breastfeeding, although I have incredible respect for any mother who has achieved one or both of those. I have learnt how unimaginably much you can love and be bonded to your child. I have learnt that no matter how dark life can be, there is a light, you just have to find the switch. I have learnt how strong I am, and I am proud of where I am, and where I have come from. I have met some absolutely amazing women, and my life has changed completely… For the better.
My brother is also doing well. He is finished his treatment and is back at work and living his life. He has a gorgeous little boy, my nephew, who is the light in his life.
My sister in law and I now sit on the couch and think of all the amazing possibilities tomorrow will hold for us and our boys, and my husband and I have the family we always dreamed of.
I will have another baby, when we are ready, and I will try and have a VBAC and breastfeed, but if I dont, then its ok. There is a 50% chance the PND will return, but that doesn’t deter me in the slightest. Everything i have endured was worth it.
My message to you is motherhood is an amazing, incredibly empowering and life changing journey. FULL STOP. If things don’t go to plan IT IS OK.
I hope you do get the birth you want, and are able to be every part of the mother you imagined, i wish I could guarantee that you will. But I can’t. What I can guarantee is that you won’t regret it, any of it, and you will love your child more than you ever thought possible!