“Was he planned” is one of the most ridiculous questions I’ve ever been asked and still after 7 years of being asked I’m still not entirely sure what kind of answer people are looking for – or why people feel entitled to ask in the first place but that’s a whole other topic for another day.
It’s asked anywhere on a scale of casually curious to outright judgemental – where it’s not so much a question as it is a statement.
But the question itself is completely absurd, because the only answer there could possibly be is “yes”.
I planned to take a pregnancy test, I planned my first appointment with my GP, I planned a blood test, I planned scan, I planned a nursery, I planned to breastfeed, I planned to go to hospital, I WROTE A BIRTH PLAN – how much more planned could a baby be?!
I had planned to be a mother since I was a little girl. I used to wish I could flash forward like in movies and skip to the part where I’m a mum with a couple of kids.
I planned to have babies with the father of my children. We had a 7 year plan blue tacked to our bedroom wall and babies were absolutely on that plan.
And from the moment we knew we were pregnant we planned to have a baby. If we didn’t plan to have a baby then we wouldn’t have had a baby. Even if we found out much later in the pregnancy, we still could have planned to not raise that baby ourselves.
There are also heaps of things I didn’t plan for.
I didn’t plan to have hideous morning sickness and lose 6 kgs in my first trimester. I didn’t plan to have a long, difficult, and traumatic labour. I didn’t plan to have a csection. I certainly didn’t plan for him to stop breathing for a few minutes once we were home from hospital. So I didn’t plan to have a mixed up mess of PTSD, anxiety and post natal depression. I also didn’t plan to have trouble bonding with my son.
And I didn’t plan to have people ask me a question that implies that my son wasn’t wanted or shouldn’t have been born, right when I was struggling the most.
So, I didn’t plan everything.
I had planned to be a great mum and without wanting to brag I believe that I am.
I planned to enjoy being a mum – and I absolutely do now.
I planned to be with my partner and he planned to be with me. None of this “Oh isn’t he good for staying with you” nonsense. (Yes, this has been said to me; pats on the back to my partner for not planning to leave me when we conceived a baby together).
We had not planned for it to take 2 years to get pregnant with our second baby. Obviously she was the baby we were meant to have and I would not trade her for anything in the world, but she is about a year or so younger than we planned for her to be.
But we can’t plan everything. All I can plan to do is love both of my children for the rest of my life and plan to be the best mother that I can be.
Now I have to wrap this up because I planned to put on a load of washing before I planned to pick my son up from school.